All Alone I Seem to Break
by PMK nut
Summary: Brandon "Badger" Mayhew/Jesse Pinkman Jesse is feeling extremely vulnerable after all the shit he's been through and Badger's the only one he wants near him right now. Title: lyric from Alone I Break by Korn


**All Alone I Seem To Break**

**Chapter 1**

_"Jesse, for the love of fuck – this is, like, my 30__th__ message – pick up the goddamn phone and call me back, you asshole. I'm fucking worried about you.."_

Jesse sat in the corner of his giant living room, the subwoofers thundering tunes like an earthquake, making the house vibrate and his bones rattle in his scrawny skin. He sniffed, wiping his eyes on his sleeve and called his friend.

_"Jesse! Shit, thank fucking Christ! I seriously thought you were a goner, man - what the hell's going on with you these da-"_

"Badger…can you come over..? Just you, ok? Nobody else." He said, trying desperately to keep his voice steady enough to speak, like he wasn't falling apart over the phone. There was a pause and Jesse felt like his heart was going to disintegrate.

_"Not even Pete?"_

"Badger…please.."

_"Ok, Jess…ok, just stay calm - I'll be right there."_ He said and Jesse hung up, accidently dropping his phone, his hands shaking too badly to hold it anymore. He let out a sob, resting his head back on the thumping wall. He pulled his legs up to his chest and tried not to think for a while.

He didn't hear the knock on his front door but he did hear the sudden aching silence as the subwoofers were turned way the fuck down.

"Fuck, man, how are you not totally deaf yet?"

_Badger. _

Jesse opened his eyes slowly, his head still back against the wall as he looked at his friend. The tall boy was standing over him, frowning. "Shit, bro, you look terrible…" he said, his voice a little softer with concern.

He crouched down in front of Jesse so they were more or less eye-level. "Are you high?" he asked, still frowning, studying his face. Jesse closed his eyes and shook his head, swallowing thickly.

"Clean…" he whispered, his voice husky and trembling. His mouth was dry.

"Christ, Jess, what's wrong?" he asked, leaning towards him, his hand resting almost gently on his jaw, tilting his head to check his face, maybe to look for bruises or, like, signs of possible brain damage.

Jesse didn't understand why his eyes were stinging so much until Badger swore and pulled him into a crushing hug. He felt himself begin to sob but didn't stop it, he needed to cry.

Badger held his friend tightly, feeling all the bones in his fucking body through his over-sized clothes. He'd looked so fucking small curled up in the corner of this big empty house, and _so_ fucking fragile as he trembled and cried in his arms, shaking hands holding onto Badger's jacket.

"Jesse… C'mon, let's get you up, ok?" the larger man asked gently, once Jesse had managed to calm down a little, though his trembling hadn't subsided. Jesse nodded against his shoulder and Badger helped him stand up, holding him securely around his impossibly narrow waist. "Shit, Jess – Pete should give you his nickname... When did you last eat?"

When Jesse didn't respond, Badger sighed, and guided him over to the sofa to sit down. He sat beside him, turning to watch his poor damaged friend. "You look exhausted…why don't you go get some sleep, ok?" Jesse's eyes closed and he shook his head. "Why not?"

"Can't…get it out of my head.." Badger frowned.

"What? Get what out of your head?"

"I…I did something…really bad.." tears were starting to well now but he willed them away.

"Is this something to do with Mr White?" he nodded. "He made you do something?" another nod. Badger felt himself getting angry. "What?"

"I…he made me…" he bit down on his lip.

"C'mon, Jesse, you can tell me anything. You know that, right?" he asked, his hand holding his bone-thin arm through the excessive fabric of his hoodie. Jesse looked at him with tired pale eyes and saw the concern in his face.

Badger saw the pain in his eyes and suddenly felt a pang of fear. "Oh, Jesus, Jess, he didn't…he didn't, like, _hurt_ you, did he?" Jesse understood what he meant and shook his head, needing to get the words out before he exploded.

"I k-killed someone…" he ground out, his teeth clenched as he struggled not to see it again. The look on Gale's face when that bullet entered his skull. "I killed someone." He repeated, like the only thing he could do was say it until it stopped being true. He stared at Badger, eyes wide and full of tears. Badger continued to look back at him steadily. "I _killed_ someone." He said again, his voice crumbling. Badger's jaw clenched and he hugged his friend again, tighter than before, rubbing his bony back and stroking the short soft hair at the back of his head. The sobbing recommended, even more bitter and difficult to hear than before. The trembling got worse and soon Jesse was hyperventilating from anxiety, launching into full-blown panic attack in seconds.

Badger moved away, taking hold of Jesse's face in gentle hands.

"Jesse, look at me, ok? Look into my eyes, man. It's me – Brandon, ok? You see me, right?" Jesse nodded, eyes wide and wet, mouth open as ragged, desperate breathes ripped through him. "Ok, I need you to breathe for me. Deep breaths, Jesse, c'mon, I know you can do it." His eyes closed, starting to feel dizzy, but Badger shook him as firmly as he was willing to, so he'd open his eyes again. "Stay with me, buddy. Take a deep breath, ok? In, Jess, breathe it in. Do the same as me, c'mon." he took a deep breath himself, trying to show Jesse what do to.

The big eyes opened again and he tried it, sucking in as much oxygen as he could through his seemingly closed throat, the inhale shuddering and jolty. "That's good, buddy, and out again?" the air left him a little easier, but he was still panicking. "In, ok? Nice big breath in." Jesse nodded against his hands, doing as he was told, Badger doing it with him "Awesome, and out." They both breathed out together. This continued for another few breaths, Badger coaching Jesse every in and out until his breathing finally slowed, getting itself back to normal.

"Shit…fuck, s-sorry, I..-" he said after a moment, looking down, his face bright red with shame.

"'S cool, man, I used to have to do it a lot when you got high." He said, rubbing Jesse's back. For some reason, he couldn't bring himself to stop touching his friend.

"You…you did..?" Jesse asked, looking at him again with wide eyes. Badger smiled and nodded.

"Yep, you used to freak out a lot. It got worse when you started cooking and pretty much kept getting worse right up until you stopped using. When you did, I'd help you breathe, Combo would get you something to eat and Pete would get you coffee or a glass of water or some shit. We were like your fucking nannies, dude." He said with a smile, like he hadn't minded at all. Jesse sighed, embarrassed beyond belief, dragging a hand over his face.

"Oh God… I-I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it, Jesse, we didn't mind – happy to do it. You're our friend, friends do that shit when their buddy's hurtin'." He said with a smile, affectionately pressing his fist to Jesse's jaw, making Jesse laugh, albeit weakly. "So…you're not doin' too good, huh?" Badger asked. Jesse sighed, nibbling his lip.

"You could say that…"

"You wanna talk about it?"

"No…" he said, softly.

"You wanna watch WWE?" he asked. Jesse looked at him and smiled, nodding. Badger grinned and leaned back so he was facing the TV. Jesse stayed sitting forward, the space between his eyebrows creased and his jaw tight. Badger sighed and grabbed the smaller man's hood, pulling him down so his head was against his own chest. "Relax, buddy, you're safe with me." He said, feeling Jesse tense at the contact. Jesse looked at him with an alarmed frown but, seeing Badger looking comfortable and smiling made him feel a little more at ease.

Badger wrapped one heavy arm around his friend's bony shoulders, rubbing his back. "It'll get better, Jess, you'll see.." he said softly, flicking through the channels. Jesse closed his sore eyes and let his mind drift, enjoying the warmth and security of his friend's embrace.

When Jesse woke up, Badger was asleep. His arm was still wrapped around Jesse but his hand had fallen down from his shoulder to rest on his side, between his ribs and his hip. His head was back against the sofa, mouth open as he snored softly. Jesse shifted, realising he'd curled up on the sofa, burying his face in Badger's chest like he was fucking 6 years old.

Jesse actually felt good, he hadn't slept that well in months, even if it was only for a couple of hours. Usually he got maybe twenty minutes before the nightmares clawed him back.

Leaving Badger asleep on his sofa, he went upstairs and took a shower, changed into a clean T-shirt, hoodie and a pair of sweatpants. He then returned downstairs and went into the kitchen to see if he had any food. The answer was no, besides a bag of Funyuns and a jar of pickles. Jesse sighed and went back to Badger, who was just waking up. The larger boy looked up at him with sleep-bleared eyes, stretching himself and cracking his neck.

"Hey, buddy, you ok?"

"Uh, yeah… Hey, thanks for…ya know, that.." Badger smiled.

"S'ok, man. Happy to help. Shit, when you fell asleep and got all curled up, so fucking adorable." He said with a grin. Jesse tried not to blush. "So, you got any food?"

"No, I just checked – all I got is Funyuns and pickles."

"Well, as much as I dig Funyuns, we gotta get some actual food into you, bro. Yo, let's go to a diner or somethin'." he said, getting up. Jesse smiled and nodded, pulling on his sneakers.

They went in Badger's car, since Jesse didn't trust himself behind the wheel of a vehicle right now. "Did you take a shower?" Badger asked Jesse on the way, glancing over at him. Jesse looked at him with a frown, nodding.

"Yeah…" he said slowly. Badger smirked.

"You just smell good, that's all." He said. Jesse looked at him curiously for a moment before turning away, trying to stop himself smiling like a dork. "So, Denny's?"

"Sure, I guess."

"You hungry?"

"Not really." Badger glared at him.

"Jess, seriously, when did you last eat?"

"I don't know... Coupla days ago, I guess. I'm just not hungry."

"That's totally not healthy, bro. Why aren't you hungry?" Jesse shrugged, resting his forehead against the cool glass of the window. Badger frowned at his friend, while trying to concentrate on the road.

They arrived at the closest Denny's and went in, sitting in a booth by the window. Badger instantly started reading the menu, Jesse just hunched over the table, head down, running a fingernail back on forth through the hair behind his ear. Badger was seriously worried about his buddy.

"What do you want to eat, man?" he asked him, practically shoving a menu under his face so he would look at it. Jesse forced himself to sit up, looking over the menu with uninterested eyes. "Anything, you name it, my treat."

"I'll pay, it's cool.." Jesse said with a frown, eyes searching for something he thought he could stomach.

"Hey there, can I get you boys some coffee?" A waitress asked, standing over them with a smile.

"Uh, yeah – decaf, if you got it, for him. I'll have some regular, please." Badger replied with a smile. She nodded, filling his mug before going off to get the decaf.

"Why'd you get me decaf?" Jesse asked, not angry just curious.

"Dude, that little catnap wasn't nearly enough sleep – don't want anything stimulatin' ya so you can't sleep."

"I can't sleep anyway."

"You slept before, right? That's progress."

"Yeah…that was weird.." he mumbled, thinking about it and finding it bizarre really. He hadn't slept like that since before Jane died, and it had only gotten worse after Gale. "Maybe it's 'cause…." He trailed off. No, that's stupid.

"What? 'Cause what?" he urged. A blush was started to heat Jesse's cheeks.

"Um, 'cause you were there… I…I felt, like, safe.." Badger made a face like he was watching a cute cat video and reached over, laying his hand on Jesse's shoulder.

"Aw, dude.." he said. It wasn't patronising or sarcastic or anything like that. It was genuine, Badger was actually feeling for Jesse as a friend does, a very close old friend. "You want me to, like, stay over for a coupla days? Keep you company, maybe?" Jesse looked at him with wide eyes, but they snapped back down to the table when the waitress returned to fill up his cup.

"Ready to order?" she asked candidly.

"Yeah, I'll have the Lumberjack Slam and, uh, Jess? You gonna eat anything?"

"Um, I'll just have a muffin – no butter or nothin' - and a coupla bits of bacon, please."

"Alrighty, thank you. Your food will be with you shortly."

"Thanks." Badger said, putting the menus back in their place as she walked off, before leaning back in his seat. "So, what do you think?"

"'Bout what?" Jesse asked, filling his coffee with like 15 sugars. Badger frowned at him for a moment then continued.

"Me staying over for a while, 'til you start feelin' better, you know? Or would you rather stay with me?"

"Um, no, man - don't worry about it, I'm fine." Jesse said, shaking his head. He was desperate not to be alone right now, he'd even considered calling Mr White, but he didn't want to be needy and pathetic, no more than he felt anyway.

"It's no problem, dude, I wanna help you." He said, leaning forward again. Jesse looked at him and saw he was telling the truth. He sighed.

"Ok, I guess…but my place..?" Badger grinned and nodded.

"Whatever you want. We're gonna have to get your fridge stocked, though, man. We can't be doing diners and take-out all the time." Jesse nodded, drinking his coffee. It tasted gross, he hated coffee, but at least it was something.

Their meals arrived quickly and they started eating: Badger steadily ploughing through his huge stack of pancakes, ham, sausages, eggs, bacon, hash browns, and bread, and Jesse picking at his two pieces of bacon and dry English muffin. They stayed until Badger was satisfied Jesse had enough in his stomach – two strips of bacon, half the muffin and a slice of Badger's bread – to survive until his next meal.

**How are we feeling so far guys? Please review and follow me for updates and other stories!**

**PMKnut xx **


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